Chrom Raider
by Prince Lutin
Summary: Chrom, for no apparent reason, has decided to live out his dream as a globe-trotting raider. In this installment, Chrom explores the deserts of Nevada in his swimsuit, steals a quad bike, and gets arrested. Then he must free his friends from the military police and explore Area 51 - and act weird all the while. Fire Emblem/Tomb Raider crossover.
1. Chrom's Joyride

_**DISCLAIMER:**_ _I do not own Fire Emblem, Chrom, or the rest of the characters. They are property of Nintendo. Tomb Raider is property of Square Enix (formerly of Eidos)._

 _This fanfic is rated T for violence, cursing, nudity, gore, and toilet humor. It is not for those under the age of 13._

 _This is very much AU, so don't get mad, canon purists!_

 _ **UPDATE:** I had to fix up the categories since I accidentally submitted this as a crossover fic when I didn't intend to._

* * *

 **THE ESTATE OF NIBIRU-MUL PRESENTS**

 **CHROM RAIDER**

 **PART I: CHROM'S JOYRIDE**

One boiling hot day, in the Nevada desert, Chrom was sliding down a mountain. How did he get to Nevada? Nobody knows. Once all that crap in Ylisse was over, Chrom decided to pursue a new career - globe-trotting in his swimsuit (you know, the sexy aqua green one with the emblem on it).

Suddenly, two vultures started to fly overhead. Normally, vultures wait until you're dead before they gobble you up, but vultures don't like scantily-clad blue-haired men with swords on their back.

"AAAAAAAAAA!" said Chrom. "Killer chickens from the bowels of the underworld!"

Chrom took his Falchion and started to slash them with his sword. It was quite cumbersome, since the birds were flying. Luckily, Chrom has Elwind manage to fire at the dirty birdies. So Chrom fired Elwind at the vultures and knocked them dead. Afterwards, Chrom saw a pile of quicksand and jumped in. He got all dirty, so he climbed out, with his butt crack hanging out. Then he ran over to a bush, saw a rattlesnake sleeping, and stabbed it with his Falchion. He took the guts and started to eat them. Then he saw another rattlesnake and killed it too.

When Chrom saw a narrow canyon, he skipped forward and climbed some walls. After a while, he saw something shiny down in the gap.

"Ooooo, shiny!" said Chrom.

Chrom dropped down, avoiding the barbed wire. He took the Energy Drop and a Concoction when two snakes bit his meaty shins. Chrom killed the snakes. Then he ran to where another snake was and killed it. He covered his feet with snake guts. Then he took the Concoction and healed the poison. Chrom climbed out and made his way to the top of the canyon, where there was a black metal box.

"Damn!" said Chrom. "How am I gonna get in that big ol' box?"

Chrom walked to the right and looked around. Then he saw a military plane fly overhead.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

Chrom jumped across the various gaps, killing two rattlesnakes and finding an Elixir in the process. Then he made his way to the black metal box. Chrom jumped in and fell into the water underneath. He swam forward until he surfaced. Then he saw a canyon with a pool and waterfalls. He saw another demonic vulture rushing at him, so he used Arcfire to roast its ass. He did several crazy jumps across the ledges, howling all the while, eventually reaching a ladder.

"I didn't know giant sand rocks had these built-in ladders."

Chrom climbed up the ladder. After reaching the top, he jumped across and found a rattlesnake. He burned it with Arcfire. He saw two military planes fly overhead and he starting giggling uncontrollably. Then he did another jump in a tricky spot. He backed away, shaking his butt, and dropped a bit, but took hold of the crevice. He traversed to the left. When he could reach, he pulled up. Chrom noticed his butt crack was showing, so he pulled up his shorts. He saw some natural monkey bars.

"Monkey time!"

Chrom traversed the monkey bars, making monkey noises all the way. Then he grabbed the natural ladder and climbed across. He pulled up and took the Energy Drop above. Then he saw a cave full of TNT.

"Hey," said Chrom, "maybe I can make a big explosion and everything will go BOOM!" Chrom tried to use the detonator plunger, but he failed. He needed something else.

Chrom went back outside and did some more risky climbing, finding a Concoction on the way. Eventually, he was behind the waterfall. Several more jumps took him to a big waterwheel. Chrom thought it was so cool, so he gazed at it for 10 minutes. Then he went around back. A man came running out and beat Chrom with his fists.

"HEY!"

"He doesn't like my swimsuit," said Chrom. "Well luckily I've got a weapon!"

Chrom stabbed the man with his Falchion, and then climbed up the ladder on the side of the waterwheel. He followed the empty sluiceway to a dam.

"Damn!"

Two vultures instantly swooped out. Chrom took care of them with his Elwind. He also killed two rattlesnakes. Then he jumped underwater and swam around. He pulled a lever, which opened a trapdoor. He surfaced for air, and afterwards swam through the tunnel and pulled another lever. This opened another trapdoor. Chrom surfaced and saw a switch.

"Ooh. What does this button dp?" He pulled the switch and diverted the flow of water. After pulling the switch, Chrom promptly farted.

To get out, Chrom slid down the dam into the pool and swam to the edge. He made his way back to the wheel through the canyon, picking up a Concoction and an Elixir on the way. He felt a bit injured, so he drank an Elixir. When Chrom went to the elevator behind, he stabbed the man coming at him and took the Energy Drop and the detonator switch. Chrom jumped across the rocks and soon found himself at the TNT cave. Chrom immediately put in the detonator switch.

 _ **BOOM!**_

Chrom laughed maniacally and barely managed to avoid being squished by the boulder coming towards him. Chrom went down in the cave. The ceiling was gone, so he climbed the rocks until reaching the top. When he went forward, he found a huge electric fence, with two buildings and two thugs behind.

"You know what they say," said Chrom, "don't whiz on the electric fence!" Then he saw the thugs and blew a raspberry at them. He then followed the fence to a tunnel. He crawled in and crawled towards the pool. Then he pulled the two levers. He then returned to the fence and went down into the tunnel. He stabbed the evil snakes, but not without getting bitten in the toe. Chrom drank some Concoction while shaking his hips.

Next, Chrom saw that the yellow door was open. He went in and looked at the switch. He smiled and casually pulled it. Then he returned to the tunnel and crawled in. He saw a gap in the ground, so he jumped down.

"Wow!" said Chrom, looking outside. "It's some big elephant thingy!" He was stupidly referring to the water tank.

Two thugs came rushing out, so Chrom used Arcthunder to zap them. He then climbed up the water tank and swam in it to the other opening. He then ran across, jumping over the electric fence and howling like Tarzan. Chrom is nuts.

Chrom looked overhead and saw another military plane. The two thugs he saw earlier saw him. Chrom decided to skip around the place, teasing the guys as he went along.

"Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! You can't catch me!"

Chrom ran into the shed and saw two more thugs and a quad bike. Chrom smirked evilly and jumped on the bike. He drove around like a maniac, killing the four thugs.

"WEEEEEEE! I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIIIIIIFE!"

Chrom decided to take his annoyingness to the top - he drove on the roof and took the card on it. Despite being a keycard, it was, for some odd reason, as big as a magazine. Chrom then drove the quad bike down. He dismounted, went into the office and stabbed the thug. Chrom saw a pool table and made a mess out of it. He saw a mug of coffee and poured it on the table, and then rubbed all the balls through them. Then he dropped a few of them.

"Oops! Dropped my balls!"

Chrom then played around with the computers. He made several of them have serious viruses and turn all the files into squid. He then used the keycard to open the door. An irate man ran out. Chrom stabbed him and then pulled the switch to turn off the electric fence. Then Chrom went outside. He went to the fence to pull the switch, which opened the gate.

"Now that takes care of that, baby!"

Chrom went back to the quad bike and got on. He popped in a CD that played Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj. Then he drove the quad bike out of the gate, turned left, and drove into the tunnel. He saw another fence. He drove over to it, drove up the ramp, and jumped over the fence.

Then, out of nowhere, some weird sound effects started playing. Chrom's quad bike tripped over the fence. It sent him and the bike flying. Chrom was knocked unconscious the moment he landed. The quad bike was right next to him.

Two military police officers walked up to Chrom. They looked angry.

"You crazy geek freak! What kind of stunt is that to pull?" said one of them, hoisting Chrom up. "Let's take him in."

"He don't look much like one of them," said the other one. "Maybe he's an eco-terrorist or something."

"And they wear hot pants, huh?"

The two men held the unconscious Chrom and walked down the streambed.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**

* * *

Items used in place of Tomb Raider items:

Energy Drop - Save Crystal

Concoction - Small Medipak

Elixir - Large Medipak


	2. Prison Break

_**A/N:** I decided to make a hilarious twist on the identities of the prisoners._

* * *

 **PART II: PRISON BREAK**

That night, Chrom woke up in a prison, still wearing his swimsuit. He looked around. His Falchion and magic were gone. All he had was one Concoction, and that wasn't enough to subsist on. Chrom screamed like a little girl at his horror of being pathetic and without a way to defend himself.

For two days, Chrom didn't know what to do. He was bent on escaping. But after a while, he had a clever solution. He decided to climb up the window and try to break the grating. A guard noticed him.

"HEY! YOU THERE!"

The guard rushed into Chrom's room and started to beat Chrom with his stick. Chrom ran out of his cell and saw the seven other cells in BAY C, six of which were occupied. He looked inside one of them and saw a burly prisoner. He opened the door with a button and let the prisoner out. Chrom ran around freeing more prisoners. The thugs beat the guard to death.

Chrom entered the empty cell farthest from his room. He did some fiddling around with the blocks until he found a way to the roof. He saw that it was full of barbed wire.

"Oh my gods!" said Chrom. "That looks super-duper painful!"

Chrom made sure to walk carefully. For some odd reason, this didn't hurt Chrom. Actually, it helped Chrom reach the switch on the other end. Chrom pulled it, opening a trap door. Chrom climbed down the ladder and found himself in an air duct. He walked forward and fell through the air duct. Another guard was there, but took no notice of the freak in the green swim trunks. Chrom saw a switch, and pulled it. This opened the gate to BAY C. The prisoners ran in and killed the guard. Then Chrom noticed something weird - the prisoners had zippers on the backs of their necks.

Chrom asked about them.

"Who are you guys?" asked Chrom.

One prisoner pulled his zipper down. It turned out that he wasn't even a man - it was Chrom's little sister Lissa. She was wearing a sexy yellow one-piece swimsuit with a skirt over it. The other three prisoners took off their disguises. One of them was a brunette man in a black thong. The second was a white-haired man in a purple and lavender striped speedo. The third was a woman with short red hair in a red and white bikini.

"Frederick? Robin? Sully?"

"Those bastards arrested us too because we were suspicious," said Sully. "We made these costumes so we'd look like stereotypical prisoners. Then the guards wouldn't think we were really Fire Emblem characters. Those pricks."

"Here's Keycard Type A," said Robin. "Hopefully, it will get us out of here."

"We're all trying to escape," said Lissa. "But we don't know the way out."

"I'll help!" said Chrom.

"Okay," said Frederick. "Do you think I'm sexy?"

Chrom ran over to the other barred door and put the keycard in. He went into BAY D. He made his way to the bathroom since he needed to poop. He chose one toilet, and started to sing Sittin On Tha Toilet while he pooped. Then he flushed. He pushed a button, going into the storage room, and pushed the big boxes around. Then he jumped into the room above. He flipped the switch to flood the storage room. Then he swam through the room to another top room. He ran around laughing until he found himself outside.

"Too bad I can't jump off the roof," said Chrom. "That would be cheating."

He ran across the roof, jumping over a barbed wire, until he reached a room with a switch. He pulled the switch. Then he made his way back along the roof. He eventually found himself in the empty kitchen. The way out was blocked by a fan.

"I wonder what prison food tastes like," said Chrom.

Chrom tasted the prison food in the pot. He barfed.

Chrom pushed a button to open the door. He left the room and saw two more buttons. He pushed both of them, letting out a guard. Chrom ran through the kitchen and made his way back to his friends, who had put their disguises back on just in case. Frederick beat the guard to death and Chrom stole the guard's Concoction.

"Thanks, guys," said Chrom. "You can take off the disguises now."

"No problemo," said Robin. The four of them took off their disguises.

"Good luck getting us out!" said Lissa.

"But first," said Chrom, "let's steal the guards' food."

The five of them stole the guards' food from the office and ate in the mess hall. On the way, Chrom had pushed the button. This removed the gratings around the fan. Chrom bade his friends farewell and made his way to the fan, carefully passed it, and made his way to the crawlspace. Then he crawled through.

Chrom saw a ladder at the edge. He climbed it to the top, reaching a room with another prisoner, who was talking to himself. Chrom recognized his voice. It was Ricken. Chrom pulled the zipper on the back of his neck and saw Ricken with stilts. Ricken had on a dark blue speedo. He looked at Chrom.

"Aren't you a little young to go to jail?" asked Chrom.

"They thought I was suspicious too," said Ricken. "Those freaks with the sticks are evil. Donnel and Henry sent me to distract the guards. How do I get out?"

"I don't know," said Chrom.

Ricken used the handprint scanner to open the trapdoor above. Chrom climbed the grating on the wall until he reached BAY E. Ricken followed him since he was getting a little scared being all alone like that.

Chrom picked up the Concoction. Then he turned around and saw Ricken.

"Ricken," said Chrom, "this is dangerous for a little boy."

"I'm not little!" said Ricken. "I'm big!"

"Well, big boy," said Chrom. "Stay here near the grating until I say it's safe. There's a guard at the top."

Ricken agreed. Chrom ran up to the top, distracting the guard. Since to the right was a gun turret, Chrom figured to find another way to distract the beast. He ran downstairs to a prison cell, where he saw two prisoners. One of them responded when Chrom opened the door with the button. The other just lay on the bed and laughed. Chrom led the prisoner up to the guard, and the prisoner beat him to death. Chrom snatched the Keycard Type B from him.

The prisoner took off his disguise. It was Donnel. He had on a light blue speedo.

"Howdy!" said Donnel. "I ain't used to rassling those guards, but I sure kill 'em good! Yeehaw!"

Ricken came upstairs, knowing it was safe.

"I'm here, Chrom!" said Ricken.

"Okay," said Ricken. "I'll wait with Donnel."

"Sure thing," said Chrom. "Just don't get beaten to death."

Chrom used the keycard to open the control room. He stole the Elixir inside, and pushed the button to turn off the gun turret. Chrom then ran passed the gun turret, blowing a raspberry since it couldn't kill him, and went down to the sandy area below. A guard was patrolling, so Chrom ran into the hallway to the left, which was connected to the hallway where Donnel was. Chrom opened the door. Inside were two more big guys. Chrom led them to the guard, where the big guys killed the guard. Chrom stole the Yellow Security Pass from the guard.

The prisoners took off their disguises. It was Gregor and Lon'qu. Gregor was wearing a red thong. Lon'qu was wearing beige swim trunks.

"Gregor is very grateful for Chrom having freed him," said Gregor.

"Is anyone else here needing to be freed?" asked Chrom.

"Tharja, Cordelia, Maribelle, and Stahl have all escaped," said Lon'qu. "Nowi and Tiki were here too, but I don't know what happened to them. And there's one more prisoner in the room near us. Guess who he is."

Chrom went to open the door to the other hallway. Then he saw Donnel and Ricken with the weird prisoner.

"I bet you can't guess who this is!" said Ricken.

Ricken pulled the zipper off the prisoner. It was Henry. Henry was clad in a black speedo.

"Ooh," said Henry. "Those guards are bleeding all over the place. Isn't that nice?"

"Yup," said Chrom. "That's Henry, all right. You five stay here. I'm going to go forward."

Chrom bade them farewell, and used the Yellow Security Pass to open the hangar. He made his way to the hangar area. He saw a plane inside. Chrom then went forward and saw a guard. He crawled through the space. Then he went to the switch. As the guard came around, Chrom flipped the switch, frying the guard. Chrom jumped over the switch and ran through the hallway to a second BAY C.

At the end of the hallway, Chrom saw a huge satellite tower.

"WOW!" said Chrom. "THAT THING IS SO...BIG!"

Chrom explored the satellite tower, amazed at the huge thing. He explored some tunnels that led to a control room. Maribelle was there. Chrom was a little shocked that she was out of her disguise, which hung on the walls. Instead, she was wearing a pink dress over a pink swimsuit.

"Isn't it dangerous to be out of that creepy disguise?" asked Chrom.

"I don't want to spend all my time in that sweaty, peasant disguise," said Maribelle. "Plus I disposed of the guards already. They told me to rig the computers until it was ready to move the satellite. Just press that button."

Chrom pressed the button. It moved the satellite, which made a weird sound. Chrom made his way back to the tower. He jumped down the hole that was under the satellite, screamed like a little girl, and fell in the water. He surfaced in a room and climbed ashore. He jumped around a bit until he reached a corridor. He ran the long corridor to the end, where there was a switch. Chrom pulled it. It opened a door. Chrom went back to the pool room, swam through the underwater door, and made his way to another room.

Chrom entered the crawlspace and saw a guard. Unfortunately, there was no one who could kill him, so Chrom needed to avoid him. He carefully went to the right. He climbed up the ladder, leading him to the base of the tower. He ran around and climbed another ladder and went up the hallway. A guard at the top looked distracted, so Chrom walked to the right, climbed into the duct to take a second Yellow Security Pass, and went back the way he came. When we went back to near the room with the guard, he used the Yellow Security Pass to close a hatch over the fan. He climbed the nearby ladder to a room above the pool, and dropped down. He swam down, taking an Energy Drop, and swam down the long, winding tunnel, picking up a Concoction on the way. Chrom used the Concoction to heal himself. Then he quickly got out of the tunnel, opened a hatch with a lever, and surfaced. He jumped over the lasers and swam into the white-walled tunnel nearby. Then he surfaced.

Chrom found himself in a big room. He saw a prisoner.

"Chrom," said the prisoner, "I know where your Falchion is." The prisoner had a woman's voice. The prisoner led Chrom to a room and pressed the button. She then took off her masculine disguise. It was Cordelia. She had on a blue bikini.

"Thanks, Chrom," she said, smiling.

"No," said Chrom, "thank you."

Chrom ran inside and saw an Elixir, his magic book, and his beloved Falchion! He took all of them.

"Now I can kill and cast spells," said Chrom. "I'M STRONG AGAIN!"

Chrom took a long way back to the room with the satellite. He killed the guard near the ladders. Then he went to the room with the second Yellow Security Pass to kill the other guard. Chrom took his Keycard Type B to open a hatch. Inside there was a book with some dark magic.

"This will be useful," said Chrom.

Again, Chrom took a long way back to the big room near where he found his Falchion. He ran up the hallway with a conveyor belt. He stabbed a guard on the way. At the top two prisoners wer trying to fight four guards and a German shepherd. They looked overwhelmed, so Chrom decided to assist them by using Goetia to kill them. He took a Blue Security Pass from one of them. The prisoners then took off his disguises. It was Stahl and Tharja. Stahl had on a dark green speedo, while Tharja had on a red bikini.

"I wish I didn't have to fight in that sweaty disguise," said Tharja. "No one could see my sexy ass."

Chrom wolf whistled.

"Is that everyone?" asked Chrom.

"Just about," said Stahl. He looked over to the gate. "Over there's the exit, but you've still got to find Nowi and Tiki. They're in Area 51. Looks like you've got to free them. I'll go to the main control room to summon the others. You go to Area 51."

"I'll meet you up later then," said Chrom.

Chrom bade farewell to Stahl and Tharja and climbed up the ladder near the top of the ramp. He used the Blue Security Pass to open the room. Inside was a guard, who Chrom stabbed. Chrom pushed the two buttons in the room. One opened the gate outside, and one turned on the conveyor belt.

Chrom made his way back down the ramp and back into the big room. He climbed onto a box, and climbed up the ladder to the ceiling grating. Chrom made monkey sounds as he swung across. He carefully avoided the moving hook. made his way to a room with a guard, and killed the guard. The guard dropped a third Yellow Security Pass. Chrom took it and went back the way he came.

Before going to use the third Yellow Security Pass, Chrom went up the ramp. He saw everyone he freed at the top, near the open security gate.

"Now we can get out of here," said Lissa.

"But I can't," said Chrom.

"That's okay," said Robin. "We won't leave this desert until you're out of here."

"I wonder what they do in Area 51," said Ricken.

"They do all sorts of gory experiments with aliens," said Henry. "It's so cool - and full of alien blood and guts!"

Chrom gulped. He said bye to everyone and ran back down to the big room. He put in the Yellow Security Pass and opened the gate. He ran through to Bay X, which was the loading dock. He killed a few more guards, and stole a Concoction. He then walked inside the truck. Afterwards, he heard some guards coming. He hid behind a box and watched as the guards closed the truck. He took a can of Coca-Cola out of a box and drank it as the truck rode to Area 51.

"I bet Area 51's going to be fun."


	3. Area 51

**A/N:** THE FINAL PART OF THE STORY! Here is where Chrom finds Nowi and Tiki - apparently about to be experimented on! Aliens added in for special effect!

* * *

 **PART III: AREA 51**

After about an hour, the truck stopped and the back door was opened. The guards took no notice of the swimsuit-clad escapee that was hiding in the truck. When Chrom climbed out, he saw a guard. Chrom ran after him and zapped him with Arcfire. Then he went in the room with the rifle on it. Chrom took the Javelin out of the room. Then he pressed the button in the hallway to open a crawlspace. Chrom crawled through and took an Elixir. He avoided the lasers and climbed a ladder.

A guard was in the hallway, so Chrom used his Javelin to impale the guy. Then Chrom opened the cell to the left. A prisoner was there. Chrom then took the zipper off of its neck to see if it was another one of his buddies, but...

"AAAAAAAA! AN ALIEN!"

The alien made beeping noises and tried to fire lasers at Chrom. He used his Arcthunder to electrocute the alien. It melted like the Wicked Witch of the West.

Chrom pressed forward, crawling through another crawlspace and not activating gun turrets. He saw another guard and zapped him with Arcfire. Chrom continued and then pulled a switch and fell through a trapdoor. He used Goetia to kill the guard below. He then found another guard and killed him too. Chrom then ran into the pit, pulled the switch, and fell through the trapdoor. He crawled through the crawlspace and saw a trapdoor. Chrom fell through and stabbed the guard with his Falchion. He took the guard's Concoction. Chrom drank the Concoction to boost his heath.

Afterwards, Chrom pushed open a button to let out the prisoner. The prisoner ran forward. Chrom thought this "prisoner" (really an alien in disguise) might be useful, so he let him go, and Chrom waited for a bit. Then, as he went down, the prisoner had killed two more guards. Then Chrom ran forward, picked up an Elixir and a Wyrmslayer. Once the prisoner killed all of the guards, Chrom unzipped the prisoner's back, revealing the alien. Chrom took his Wyrmslayer and put the alien out of its misery.

Chrom went in the left room near the door hatch and pulled a switch. Then he went in the right room and crawled through the hole. He killed a guard with Elwind. Then he ran up the ramp. An annoying alarm went off. Chrom mimicked the alarm.

"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"

Chrom went up the ramp, going to a T intersection and turned right. He continued up until he found a room with a huge yellow missile. A guard was firing shots at him, so Chrom killed the guard with Arcfire. Chrom climbed down the ladder, ran to the other end, and climbed up the ladder at that end. Chrom took the guard's Code Clearance Disk. Then Chrom went back the way he came, and returned to the T intersection. He turned right and saw a room with a moving hook, a conveyor belt, and small missiles. Chrom dropped down and looked at the sensor. He jumped over it and popped the disk into the hard drive. This raised the missiles. Chrom climbed up, moved past the hook, and jumped on the conveyor belt. He ran to grab the ladder, and then he climbed up.

At the top was a guard. Chrom used Arcthunder to take care of him and then Chrom took the guy's Hangar Access Key.

Afterwards, Chrom returned to the room with the huge yellow missile. He entered a corridor and saw a hole. He looked down.

"That's a cute little hole. I wonder where it leads to."

Chrom went forward and used the Hangar Access Key to open the door to the right. Chrom immediately ran inside and cut off the guard's head with his Falchion. Then he saw the electric train track.

"I wonder what happens when you whiz on the electric track," said Chrom.

Chrom explored for a bit, and then he found an alcove above a ladder. He pushed the button to summon the train.

"THAT's a train?" Chrom asked, looking at the train.

Chrom didn't mind, though. He jumped on top of the train. Then he climbed up to a passageway. He walked above the first grates and used the monkey bars to get across the second one, making monkey noises all the while. Then he dropped down and made his way to the bottom of a series of ramps. A guard saw the swimsuit-clad freak. He ran for help, but Chrom zapped him with Goetia. Chrom ran up the ramps to a room that had a huge UFO.

"Ooh! Aliens! They must be in there."

Chrom evaded the laser traps as he ran down the hallway. He found a bunch of boxes at the end. He climbed up them, and then dropped down. He saw a guard in the hallway and quickly disposed of him with Arcfire. Then Chrom saw two catwalks, each with a button. Chrom went up the right catwalk first and pressed the button, opening the inner doors at the end of the room and closing a pit. Next, Chrom repeated the process with the left catwalk, opening the outer doors. Chrom ran through them before time ran out.

"I sure am quick on my big fat toes," said Chrom.

Chrom then saw a guard, so he took out his Falchion and stabbed him. Then Chrom saw five switches.

"OOH! SHIIIINY!"

Chrom pulled all five switches, even though he only needed to pull three. This opened the room with the flying saucer. Chrom went back to the room with catwalks and killed another guard. Then he went back through the halls to the flying saucer. This place was weird. Chrom couldn't get inside the saucer. He did see a button, which he pressed to release a trapdoor. He climbed up the ladder. Then he did some more jumping around like a maniac. Somehow, he landed on top of the UFO, where he took the Launch Code Pass.

"Wonder what this thingy does?" said Chrom.

Chrom had to take a long trek back, past lasers and electrified tracks. He came to that little hole he saw earlier. He climbed down the ladder. Then he went down to the switch inside and pulled it, opening a door. In here was a card reader and a covered button. Chrom put the card into the reader. This uncovered the button. Then Chrom got a very diabolical look.

"Ooh," said Chrom, "Shiny button. Let's press it to make missile go boom."

Chrom stupidly pressed the button with a big smile on his face. Then he heard a loud noise. The huge yellow missile was getting all fired up. Chrom ran into the other room to avoid being toasted. Chrom had no idea where the missile went. He laughed.

Next, Chrom went back to the room where the missile had been. He now had access to the top of the room, so he climbed the ladders, and did jumping around. He killed a guard, found an Elixir, and drank it. When he reached the top, he found a crawlspace. He went through, avoided the lasers, and soon found himself outside. Here were two guards, one on the ground and one on the small guard tower. Chrom used Goetia to kill them. Then he went down the ramp into the building, killed a guard, and stole his Code Clearance Disk. Chrom then pulled the nearby switch to open the trapdoor. After avoiding more lasers, he found himself in the series of ramps leading to the saucer room.

Chrom made his way back to the saucer room. He used the Code Clearance Disk to open several doors. The first was the Alien Autopsy Lab. When Chrom was in here, he found Nowi. She was asleep near several aliens. Chrom decided to wake her up by farting really loudly.

"Chrom!" said Nowi. "I'm trying to sleep!"

Chrom turned around and smiled.

"There you is!" said Chrom. "Where's Tiki?"

"She's in the spaceship," said Nowi. "She got stuck in there. But first, do you want to check out the orca tank?"

"Sure!" said Chrom.

Chrom took an Energy Drop, left the room, and went to the room with the orca tank. Chrom thought the orcas were so cute!

"Look at those cute wittle orcies!" he said. "I wanna go swim with them!"

Chrom looked for a way to get in. It took a lot of climbing, jumping, and dodging lasers before he could get in the tank. He felt the cute, cuddly orcas. They felt like rubber. They were friendly and Chrom swam with them until he was almost out of breath. They gave him an Energy Drop and some fish to eat.

When Chrom went back to the saucer, he noticed it was open. He climbed inside, and it locked up. Chrom explored the lower level of the spaceship. Then he went to the middle level, where he subdued a guard. Finally, he reached the upper level, where Tiki was. She helped Chrom take out three guards.

"Tiki!" said Chrom. "There you are!"

"I know," said Tiki.

"Why the hell did you get locked up here?" asked Chrom.

"Those military police guys thought Nowi and I were aliens and took us here to be experimented," said Tiki. "But I don't know what they were doing with those killer whales. I know the way out of here. Follow me."

Chrom took the aliens' treasure - an Element 115 - and then followed Tiki out of the spaceship. Tiki turned into a dragon. Chrom and Nowi climbed on Tiki's back. Then the two went back to where the others were. Tiki reassumed her humanoid form when they landed.

"I'm back!" said Chrom. "And I've got kippers tonight!" He showed the fish the orcas had given him. Chrom asked Lissa to start a fire. Then everyone roasted their kippers.

"Let's have a toast to Chrom," said Frederick, "the guy who broke us out of jail in his swimsuit!"

Chrom laughed as he took a big bite out of his fish.

And that's the end of the adventure. Stay tuned for the next installment of CHROM RAIDER!

 **THE END**


End file.
